As written (with minor edits) September 26th 2011:
Four weeks ago today, from this moment, I was recovering from one of
the most hellish, yet amazing ordeals of my life. The day my daughter
was born was the most beautiful day of my life and I never want to
forget it- so here is Esme's birth story. It is absolutely uncensored
and this is not a private blog. So beware if you are weak at the sight
or sound of bloody shows, rings of fire, placentas, and meconium in
amniotic fluid.
The weekend before Esme was born I
started to have some period like cramping. It was very mild and
un-timeable, so I knew if it was "labor" I had a while to go. I called
my midwife, Anne was on call that day, for advice. She said it sounded
like early labor, which could last hours or could last weeks. She said
to walk walk walk to get things moving. And I did. I recruited Amy and
we walked around the mall for a couple hours. Then when Jacob got home
from work we walked some more. I was so exhausted on Sunday that I
didn't do very much walking that day- except again when Jacob came home
from work. There was no change and Monday morning that light crampy
feeling went away. I felt defeated, and like my baby was going to stay
camped inside for weeks to come. That day, the 29th was the day I
predicted for Esme to make her appearance, but it didn't look like it
was going to happen. Early evening/late afternoon (prevening as Sheldon
Cooper calls it) I walked to the Marathon to get a fountain Diet Pepsi.
In the store I had a contraction, followed by the light crampy feeling,
and then on the way home another contraction. I went on my scavenger
hunt (as mentioned in an earlier entry) to keep my walk nice and long. I
came home, kicked back (due to exhaustion- I was 9 months pregnant!),
made some hamburger helper, watched Kate Plus Eight, and took a shower.
In the shower I realized that I hadn't felt Esme move all day except for
some hiccups after dinner. So I laid down, drank some water, and waited
for some kicks.
Jacob got home from work and I was
still waiting for kicks in the bed. I was getting very worried at this
point. At 1 am I called my midwife again. This time Sharon answered and
told me to calm down, drink as much ice water as I could, and lay back
and try again. If there were no changes in an hour to call her. During
this time Jacob kept reassuring me. He told me that Esme was just
resting up and was probably coming out very soon. I laughed at this
because I had completely written off labor for at least a couple weeks.
At 2 am there were still no changes so I called Sharon and she told us
to come in for monitoring for my own peace of mind.
We
got to the hospital and I felt so silly checking in. I obviously wasn't
in labor, and I felt like everyone was rolling their eyes at me. They
really weren't- the nurses were so kind and did nothing but reassure me.
It was my own paranoia that they were side-eyeing me. As soon as the
nurse hooked up the monitor we heard Esme's heart beat. And about 5
seconds later she kicked the monitor. I, once again, felt silly. But
sooo relieved. Esme's heart beat was strong and she had 2 accelerations
in 7 minutes (2 in 20 is passing). One thing that majorly disappointed
me, though, was my uterine activity was flat. I was having zero
contractions and that machine can pick up the tiniest contraction that
my body can't even detect. We were discharged pretty quickly and on the
way home I was even more upset. I thought I was at least having minor
contractions, but apparently not. Jacob joked that I could be pregnant
until September 14th and I felt like sobbing at that thought.
We
got to bed around 4:30 am. At 6 am I woke up with "diarrhea". It was
pretty painful (and gross) and I figured it was the Hamburger Helper.
After being all "cleared out" I was still having the "diarrhea pain" and
around 6:45 I realized the pain was coming and going. At 7 am I woke
Jacob up and told him I thought I was in labor. He asked me to describe
the pain... It felt like diarrhea, and period cramps. That was the best
way for me to describe it. Then we started to time the pain's comings
and goings. They lasted about 25 seconds and were 3-5 minutes apart.
Jacob said it was probably false labor because contractions should last
longer and they start out farther apart. We decided to wait until 8:30
to see if the pain went away. If not we'd call the midwife again-
something I really didn't want to do after my paranoia episode the night
before. In the meantime Jacob was rubbing my back and telling me to use
the toilet. I called my mom at that point. I figure she'd be leaving
for work and just in case I wanted her to have her stuff in her car so
she wouldn't have to back track. All the time the pain was getting
worse. My mom told me on the phone to call my midwife. After one
particularly painful contraction I did and the midwife said it sounded
like I was in labor. She said to try and get through as much at home as
I could, distract myself, take a shower, and when it got bad to come
into the office for a labor check.
I followed my
midwife's directions. Jacob and I got in the shower. It helped
immensely, but I could feel the contractions getting even worse. I got
out and tried distracting myself with dishes. I did one dish and decided
to go in. Jacob packed all the last minute stuff while I was pacing the
kitchen, focusing on my breathing. In the car, we came to North Street
that is randomly cobblestone and you either scrape the crap out of the
bottom of your car or have to spend 5 minutes going across it. Jacob
asked me what I preferred and I told him to hit it. We got to the office
and I went to the bathroom. I was in my pjs, with hairy legs and no bra
and making funny noises due to contractions. No one was there yet, but
just in case someone showed up I didn't want to be seen. We were called
back and Anne checked me. She said I was 5 cm and to get to the
hospital- I was in labor! I knew I probably was before, but it being
confirmed by my midwife was overwhelming. I started to sob. I was so
scared, I thought I was going to die in labor and I didn't think I was
ready. But ready or not Esme was coming.
We got to my
delivery room and they were filling our tub. My nurse, Sarah, introduced
herself, told me to change into my gown, and said I would have to be on
the bed for 20 minutes for monitoring before I could get into the tub.
When I changed into my gown in the bathroom there was blood all in my
undies. Disgusting! I cried and Sarah came running and assured me it was
totally normal. I was hooked up to the monitor and saw my contractions
on the screen- a big difference from the night before! 20 minutes passed
and during that time my contractions got a lot worse and I began
shaking. Sarah said she was going to check me because a lot of women
start shaking around the transitional phase. She checked and I was
6.5cm, but stretched to an 8 because my water still hadn't broken. She
said she was going to call Anne and tell her to hurry because I was
going quickly. I told Sarah that I would need Zofran and I'd rather not
wait till I was barfing to get it, it wasn't a question of "if" I would
puke, it was "when". Thank goodness she obliged with the max dose! Sarah
let me get in the tub and it was magical! It helped so much with the
pain I couldn't believe it. Around this time Jacob started texting
everyone and letting them know how quickly I was going. My mom was
upset. She was hoping to make the birth, but it didn't look like that
was going to happen. In the tub I was able to relax a lot. I had more
bloody show (eww) and Sarah came and scooped it with a little green fish
net. Anne got there and joked that she had someone across the hall that
I apologized for her having to cancel her afternoon appointments. She
laughed and told me not to apologize, and she needed to be there anyway
because she had someone laboring across the hall. She also mentioned
that the other woman would "beat me". I think this little hint of
competition really helped speed my labor along (not really, but who
knows maybe on some subconscious level that comment hit my competitive
nerve). Anne was having a hard time checking me in the tub and she
wanted us to be monitored for 5 minutes. I got out and I was at 9.5 cm
and my water still wasn't broken. We waited until Sarah got back from
lunch (about 15 minutes later) and Anne broke my water. Unfortunately,
there was meconium in the fluid and that meant I had to be monitored
carefully and couldn't get back in the tub. It also meant when Esme came
out that the NICU team would snatch her up and check her to be sure she
didn't aspirate any of the meconium. This all really upset me at the
time, but after reading about other cases with meconium I feel so happy
that my midwife didn't jump to a C-Section, as some providers do when they
find meconium in the fluid.
Laboring in the bed was
HELL. Especially on my back. We tried the squat bar, pulling myself up
when I had a contraction, but it didn't help that much and it was
exhausting because my contractions, although short, were very close
together. I screamed a lot. Everyone kept telling me to breathe, relax,
and stop wasting my energy screaming. Before that I was able to breathe
through my contractions, and I would chant (kind of) relax relax relax
relax, knowing that if I tensed with contractions it would basically
work against them. Anne at some point suggested that I labor on my
knees, leaning against the back of the bed (it was in an upright
position), with my hands over the back. This position was so great. Not
as great as the tub, but I was able to rock back and forth and the
pressure was off my back. As labor went on, I started to get back labor.
This is when the most "f" bombs were dropped, I screamed, hit the bed,
and even bit the sheets. Jacob was fantastic. He was rubbing my back,
holding my water cup for me as I sipped the straw, wiping my sweat (and
there was a lot). His *one* mistake was when I asked for the epidural,
he accidentally blurted out, "No". I don't blame him or hold it against
him, and I even laugh a little at the memory. I am glad he reminded me
that I really didn't want the epidural. My midwife asked me if I was
sure, I breathed through the contraction, and told her no, I didn't want
it. This exact thing happened (minus Jacob saying no) about 30 minutes
later. Anne and Sarah were also great. I had cold cloths on my neck,
arms, and back. And at one point Anne hopped on the bed and pushed my
hip bones apart, and that helped with the back labor. When the back
labor was at its worst I had to have a little portable monitor type deal
inserted and stuck on Esme's head. I was moving too much for the
monitor and my heart rate had gotten pretty high, so the little antennae
was the best way to go.
A little bit after 12pm I
decided I wanted to push. I didn't feel the "overwhelming urge," but
definitely an urge. Anne said I could start out with gentle pushes every
few contractions. And that's what I did. Between 12 and 1:30pm or so was
the worst. I screamed and convinced myself it was impossible. Thank
goodness for my amazing "team". I may have broken a few hands. I always
thought that was exaggerated in the movies, but man! You can really do
some squeezing when you're in that much pain. Around 1:30 they started
to talk to me about the ring of fire and crowning and I realize the
worst was yet to come. That was when I bowed my head (really, rested it
on the back of the bed), retreated deep inside me, and prayed so hard. I
realize that sounds corny, but for the rest of the pushing, pretty much
till crowning my pain was manageable again. I finally felt able to do
it.
When Esme crowned it was a crazy pain. I am not
sure if I felt "the ring of fire," but I felt like someone was trying to
rip me in half. Then a push or two later- sweet relief, still a lot of
pain, but nothing like a few seconds before. And one more push after
that- absolute instant relief. I felt her come out and I sighed. When we
watched "Knocked Up" a few days later, and Katherine Heigl was whimpering after she pushed her baby out, Jacob said that was exactly
what I did. I was so exhausted. I didn't get to see Esme come out
because I was facing the wrong way and the NICU team had snatched her
up. I think I may have taken a 60 second nap or so against the edge of
the bed, until I realized Jacob was tending to me, and I told him to go
check on Esme and take pictures. She was screaming and I fell in love
without even seeing her. I wanted to see her, so I turned around. When I
started, Sarah told me not to freak out. I did. There was blood
everywhere! I started sobbing, "this isn't normal, this isn't normal. I
am going to die!" They told me to calm down, it is normal and I need to
deliver the placenta. I was so exhausted I couldn't imagine pushing
again. It had been about 2 hours of pushing before that. I think I even
asked Anne just to pull it out by the cord. Of course she couldn't do
that, and of course delivering the placenta wasn't as difficult as Esme,
but it still hurt. Sarah pushed my belly while Anne and a surgical tech
(who helps with "complicated" deliveries) helped down below. It came
out and I felt more blood- again they assured me this was normal. The
surgical tech was walking out of the room and for some reason I asked to
see the placenta. She showed it to me and it was gross! And a lot
bigger than I expected, like a big bloody football. Meanwhile, Anne was
working "down under" stitching me up. I had a second degree tear, but
she was able to sew it with one running stitch. The novacaine shot was
the worst thing about the stitches. Jacob then came over and showed me
pictures of our beautiful daughter. He told me she was perfect and
didn't aspirate any meconium at all, but the meconium must have been in
there a while because it stained her skin and umbilical cord. A few
minutes later, the surgical tech cut off my tank top (I was too tired to
lean forward and take it off) and Esme was plopped on my chest. I
couldn't believe she was here. I cried so hard and kissed her head. I
then remembered Jacob and I promised to kiss her at the same time for
the first time, but I couldn't help it. She was so precious. We were
able to start nursing pretty much right away. It took a couple tries,
but eventually she latched and we were good to go.
After
nursing Esme got her first bath and I ordered my meal. I was starved.
Beyond starved. I just had the most rigorous workout of my life. I
ordered a turkey sandwich, pretzels, ice cream, and cranberry juice. I
think I ate half of it because I was so excited to hold Esme again.
After about an hour Sarah told me I had to try to use the bathroom. This
was terrifying to me, with the stitches, the hemorrhoids from
labor(sorry, I warned you), and just the general Hell my girly parts had
just been through I cried. I knew I had to go, but it was so scary. I
told myself, hey, I just went through a natural childbirth (except for
the anti-nausea meds), surely I can pee. I had good reasons for my fear-
it stung like heck! But only initially. And every pee after got a
little easier than the one before. After I peed we were ready to go to
our recovery room. I sat in the wheel-chair, was handed my daughter, and
off we went.
